Yesterday

So yesterday was better. As soon as I was able to get off the couch and take Elena to preschool, I hightailed it to Walmart and raided their produce section. I came home and marinated some chicken for salads throughout the week but that eventually became dinner. Luckily I only had one bowl of salad and then saved the rest for today. I didn't exercise but I walked around quite a bit and didn't really get a chance to sit down until the kids were in bed. Tomorrow, Elena has preschool and I plan on going for a walk and add in some jogging if my back is feeling up to it. My meals will be serving sizes and I will have 5-6 of them throughout the day to help my metabolism. I did get on the scale this morning because I will want to know my weight but I'm not going to worry about the fluctuation because I know that is normal, especially in women. I am going to measure everything today too so I know what I'm starting from and how many inches I lose.
I want to be healthy. I want to feel comfortable again in my own skin. I don't want to compare myself to those skinny gorgeous moms all around me at church. I have to be me and do it in my own time and decide every morning when I wake up that today will be a good day, even though it will be difficult to remember throughout the day, it is up to me how I feel at the end of the day. Its cooling off a little here and things are looking good for the house we are buying. Its in a beautiful quiet neighborhood that would be great for walks and jogging through when the kids are at school.
Thank you all you beautiful wonderful friends that have commented and encouraged me. Your support means so much.

Disappointment

I'm so disappointed in myself. I've lost my love of exercise, I've lost my self control. I'm back to where I hoped I would never be. It's even causing me health problems. I have back pain so often now. Mostly sciatica which is awful and I used to get it when I was pregnant. I'm too afraid to get on the scale because I'm afraid to see the damage I've done. Maybe by recognizing it and voicing my disappointment and fears will help get me back on the right track.
I'm afraid of hurting my back more. I'm afraid if exercising alone. I'm afraid exercising will be too hard with all this weight on me. Im afraid that i will miss the good food too much. I'm afraid of having a bad day and being too hard on myself for it.
As I'm sitting on my couch with a heating pad trying to calm the burning pain in my hip and back, I wonder which is scarier; sitting here and letting the pain get worse and ending up not being able to move or getting back into a regular exercise schedule and eating less and more of what my body needs.
I will not be one of those people that I pity because they have no control or do not care what happens to them but complain when they are unhappy or unhealthy. I will not become one of those people. Starting today it will be different. If its not, then I'm in trouble. My family is in trouble. They should not suffer because I can't stop stuffing my face and am being lazy. They will not suffer. This is all about to get better. I don't want to count pounds. I want to judge on how much I eat and inches and how I'm feeling over all. That's how this is going to happen. If you read this blog, be prepared for a lot of soul searching and blubbering about how hard it is. I'm afraid if I keep it inside then I will become a feeding frenzy when it gets difficult, which it will.